Love, sex, or access: the only three reasons you should be dating
It’s time to make dating fun, clear, and entirely on your terms.
Before we dive in, I wanted to share a quick update on so unhinged and thank all of you! Whether you’re free or paid, it means the absolute world to me that you’re here.
For my paid subscribers, I’ve been brainstorming ways to bring you even more value with each edition. So here’s what you’ll now have access to:
Unhinged Unfiltered + Archive Access – An exclusive, unfiltered audio edition of each newsletter, plus full access to my archived advice and all the stories you might have missed.
so unhinged Exposed – A juicy, subscriber-only feature with the wildest anonymous dating confessions.
Subscriber-only Q&A – Monthly Q&As just for paid subscribers, where you can submit your most chaotic dating questions or situations for my personal advice.
I want so unhinged to be your ultimate pre- or post-date check-in, your weekly hype-up, and your go-to guide to modern dating. The audio edition is what I wish I’d had while getting ready for dates or, honestly, as a distraction when he still hadn’t texted back.
Thank you so much for being here and supporting so unhinged. Let me know if there’s anything more you’d love to see here.
Alright, let’s get into it!
Soph x
Let’s set the scene: You’re single, and you’re sort of seeing someone. He’s cute, he’s asking you out, but his texting habits are… lacklustre. He’s got you feeling like an option, not a priority – yikes. But you think, “Why not?” Before you say yes to that next date, let me share my rule that’s guaranteed to make your dating life less murky and more empowering. From now on, you’re only going on dates for one of three reasons: love, sex, or access.
The rule explained: love, sex, or access
I came up with this rule when a client of mine (early 30s, exhausted from dating) told me she was drained by dates she didn’t really care for. She wanted to find a relationship but would say yes to anyone who showed interest, even if she wasn’t feeling it, just to “give it a chance.” My answer? Only date for love, sex, or access.
This rule is going to change your approach – you’ll have way more fun, feel clear-headed, and avoid those pointless situationships. It’s a brilliant way to evaluate what you’re looking for and save your precious time.
How it works
Step one: Figure out what you want – whether it’s a relationship, something casual, or simply new experiences. Once you know your priority, you’ll be able to assess each date with way more clarity.
Dating for love
If you’re on a date and there’s potential – they’re cute, interesting, and you might want a relationship with them – go for it. Obviously, you won’t know right away if they’re a perfect match, but if they’re ticking your boxes and there’s no red flag in sight, this is someone to keep seeing. This is dating for love.
Dating for sex
If it’s clear that this person is not relationship material – maybe they’re just passing through town, or you know you’ll get the ick if you spend too much time together – but they’re undeniably attractive (or there’s just something about them), and you’re in the mood for something casual, go ahead and date for sex. Just protect yourself emotionally and physically and enjoy it for what it is.
Dating for access
And then there’s dating for access. Let’s say you’re unsure about someone, or they’ve shown some mixed signals (like those 11 pm “u up?” texts). You don’t have to cut them off immediately, but if they’re not offering love or sex, they should at least be bringing something fun to the table – like an invite to that concert you wanted to go to, or showing you around a new city. If you’re not getting love or sex, you’d better be getting access… otherwise, why waste the energy? Your time is valuable, so if they’re not adding anything, you’re better off without them. And, if they’re trying to progress things but you’re just not that into them, make sure you’re clear that you’re not looking for anything serious – it’s about keeping things fun and light without leading them on.
Why this rule works
These categories will keep you focused on what you want and where you’re at. Your priorities will shift as you go through different phases in life. Fresh out of a relationship? You might just want to date for sex. Looking to meet The One? Love it is. And if you’re still figuring it out, dating for access could be a great way to explore.
This rule also keeps you safe from falling into the trap of confusing a casual fling for a relationship. If you’re seeing someone casually, but feelings start creeping in, it’s time to reevaluate: Do you want more than just sex or access with this person? Are they capable of offering that? Be honest with yourself – if they can’t, it’s probably time to find someone who can.