Are you even ready for a relationship?
What breakups can teach us about love, our priorities, and not being needy AF.
December 11, aka Breakup Day, has come and gone. If you didn’t know, it’s officially the most common day of the year for relationships to end—thanks to a mix of end-of-year stress, social pressures, and the looming holiday season.
Breakups sting, no doubt about it. But Breakup Day reminded me of a New Yorker article by Jennifer Wilson that revealed a sneaky upside of being dumped: our breakups can teach us what we truly value in a relationship—and whether we’re actually ready for one at all.
In the article, Wilson meets German breakup coach Elena-Katharina Sohn, known for her Happiness Heart Method. And trust me when I say that although this is a breakup exercise, it can be a game-changer for anyone looking to be in a relationship.
The Happiness Heart: Are you too focused on relationships?
The Happiness Heart Method is simple: draw a heart and divide it into sections, each representing a different source of happiness in your life—career, friends, hobbies, health, family, relationships.
The goal? To check if your happiness is well-distributed or if you’re overly reliant on one area. Spoiler alert: if your “relationships” section is taking up most of the heart, it’s time to reassess.
“Have you ever had a client whose heart was taken up a hundred per cent by love?” Wilson asks Sohn.
“Absolutely,” Sohn replies. “A person like that, if they lose love, they lose everything.”
Sohn stresses that having multiple sources of happiness doesn’t make you less romantic. In fact, it’s the opposite. “Only then can you be a good partner.”
Here’s why: You can’t be a great partner if your entire life revolves around someone else. And in dating, if your only joy comes from attention and validation from potential partners, you risk coming across as—you guessed it—needy.
“Otherwise, you are—it’s a very bad word, and I don’t know if it is as bad in English as well, but in German, it’s really bad. You are needy.”
Breakups offer a chance to reevaluate
Breakups are hard, but they’re also a reset button. If you’ve been in a relationship where you gave everything to your partner, now’s the perfect time to try the Happiness Heart Method. Take a look:
Where do you derive happiness?
What’s missing?
How can you rebuild and diversify your sources of joy?
When your life feels well-rounded, relationships become an enhancement, not the centre of your world. That’s what makes you genuinely attractive—not just to others, but to yourself.
For singles, this is a must-do
If you’re single and find yourself constantly getting anxious over dating or overly invested in someone new (only to be disappointed), do this exercise now. Be brutally honest:
Are you overly reliant on one area, like relationships or work?
Are there areas that feel underdeveloped, like hobbies or friendships?
Wilson shares the story of Greta, whose love portion of her Happiness Heart was at nearly 90%. At one point, Greta found herself asking a Vespa club for tips on how to support her boyfriend’s hobby.
“Now I think back on this,” Greta says, “and I think, Oh, my God, how needy was that?”
Balance, baby
If your relationship section is looking a little too prominent, don’t freak out. Instead, use it as a call to action: build other parts of your life. Join a class, reconnect with friends, dive into a new or old hobby. It’s not about giving up on love—it’s about showing up as your whole, authentic self.
Because the best relationships are built when two complete people come together—not when one person builds their life around the other.
If you want to read the full New Yorker article, you can find it here.